Longing for Love

Local author Amanda McCracken on her new book “When Longing Becomes Your Lover”

Amanda McCracken talks about her years-long personal journey to identify and overcome limerence to find true love and shed the obsessive tendencies preventing her from accepting authentic connection with a partner.

Q: Is there a specific moment that shaped the trajectory of your writing and research that you ultimately turned into this book? 

In 2014, I sat beside Katie Couric on her show as a 36-year-old virgin to speak about late-in-life virginity after my New York Times essay “Does My Virginity Have a Shelf Life?” went viral. When the cameras stopped rolling, Katie leaned over and told me that folks at the studio thought I had fairytale princess syndrome. That comment spurred me on a mission to figure out if something was wrong with me—a ten-year journey talking with other late-in-life virgins, psychologists on attachment styles and limerence, psychiatrists on grief, neuroscientists on ADHD and addiction, rabbis and porn stars on intimacy, mindfulness gurus on self-love and sociologists on online dating apps and hook-up culture. 

Q: For those who do not know, can you define limerence? 

Limerence is a psychology term coined in the late 70s by experimental psychologist Dorothy Tennov to describe a state of mind in which an individual ruminates, sometimes obsessively, about a romantic interest (known as a limerent object) they’ve put on a pedestal. The limerent person seeks any sign of mutual interest and deeply fears any sign of rejection. The experience of limerence is a roller coaster of emotions from euphoria to grief. It thrives on uncertainty so hookup culture and dating apps are fuel for the fire. People with neurodivergent minds are more predisposed to develop limerence.

Q:  Who did you write this book for? 

I wrote this book for those stubbornly in love with the idea of falling in love but using limerence as self-protection from real intimacy. For those who feel they must perform and impress to win the love of their crush. For the celibate who still believes there is something sacred about sex but fears nobody will date them unless they’re having sex by the fifth date. For those who question their self-worth after a series of hookups that left them feeling discarded. I wrote the book I wish I’d had to read as a perfectionist with ADHD navigating the dating market in my 30s as a late-in-life virgin, shaped by 90s purity and hookup culture, trying to balance being both good and desirable. 

Q:  Where did the title come from? 

During one of my sessions with my Gestalt Boulder therapist, she looked up from her notes and said, “Amanda, get to know your boyfriend. Longing is your lover.” 

Q: What was a common misconception about why you were a virgin? 

When people would ask me what I was waiting for, I’d tell them: a mutually loving and committed relationship. They’d often stare at me as if I were asking for the impossible, as if I couldn’t have that unless I was first having sexual intercourse. People suggested I might be a lesbian, asexual, demisexual, or brainwashed by religion. One essay reader told me I was selfish. Most people told me they thought my expectations were probably too high. They weren’t. But I was self-sabotaging by chasing after unavailable men who would never love me back. It allowed me to continue living the story I was most familiar with: I was unworthy of love and had to perform to earn love.   

Q: What is your advice to women who are in the dating world? 

Believe you are worthy of love. Don’t settle for someone who leaves you a crumb trail you mistake as clues to interpret as how to make them love you. It’s OK to take a break from dating, even when you feel the pressure to find “your person” because all your friends are getting married and having children. Asses your patterns, and, if you feel stuck, find a good somatic therapist who will give you homework (not just talk it out). You’re the right amount of you for the right person.

Q: What message do you want readers to walkaway with? 

I hope readers will better recognize their own patterns keeping them from the relationship they desire and understand why those patterns developed. I want them to walk away with applicable tools to untangle themselves from limerence, perfectionism, and fear of rejection.

Q: Where can someone purchase a copy of “When Longing Becomes Your Lover”?

My book is available at all major book sellers and locally in Boulder at The Trident and The Boulder Bookstore.

Amanda McCracken is a Boulder-based journalist passionate about experiences that highlight the intersection of wellness, travel, and relationships. She published her first article about longing in 2013, which led to additional articles featuring personal anecdotes and deep research and interviews with the BBC and Katie Couric. She is now considered a “limerence expert” and intimacy advocate. Her 2023 TEDxCU Talk, “How Longing Keeps Us from Healthy Relationships,” highlights how longing can become self-sabotaging and shares how to change our patterns of longing. She also hosts the podcast, “The Longing Lab.”

Learn more at amandajmccracken.com, or attend a book signing at Trident Bookstore in Boulder on February 10 at 6 p.m. or Tattered Cover (Colfax) on February 17 at 6 p.m.